Time for a smile or two....

LATE NIGHT COMMENTS

Well, it isn't Fair and Balanced, but for your amusement...

" A new poll says that if the election were held today, John
Kerry would beat President Bush by a double digit margin. The White
House is so worried about this, they're now thinking of moving up the
capture of Osama Bin Laden to next month." -- Jay Leno

President Bush has unveiled his first campaign commercial,
highlighting all of his accomplishments in office. That's why
it's a 15-second spot." -- Jay Leno

"President Bush says he has just one question for the
American voters,'Is the rich person you're working for better
off now than they were four years ago?'" --Jay Leno

"Kerry is well on his way to reaching his magic number of 2,162.
That's the total number of delegates he needs to win the
Democratic nomination. See, for President Bush it's different.
His magic number is only 5. That's the number of Supreme Court
judges needed to win." -- Jay Leno

"There was a scare in Washington when a man climbed over the
White House wall and was arrested. This marks the first time a
person has gotten into The White House unlawfully since President Bush."
- David Letterman

"The White House is now backtracking from its prediction that
2.6 million new jobs will be created in the U.S. this year.
They say they were off--by roughly 2.6 million jobs." -- Jay Leno

"In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National
Guard troops. Here's the weird part: nobody remembers seeing him
there." -- Craig Kilborn

"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting
> married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the
people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're
choosing a president, then he prefers judges." -- Jay Leno

"There was an embarrassing moment in the White House earlier
today. They were looking around searching for George Bush's
military records. They actually found some old Al Gore ballots." -- David Letterman

"The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack
for his service in the National Guard. The commanding officers
can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72.
President Bush said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy.'" -- Jay Leno

"On 'Meet the Press' yesterday President Bush was asked what he
would do if he lost the election and Bush said, 'Phhh, you mean
like last time?'" -- Jay Leno

"This week, both John Kerry and Wesley Clark are making
campaign appearance with the guys who saved their lives in Vietnam.

Meanwhile, President Bush is campaigning with a guy that once
> took a math test for him." -- Conan O'Brien

"President Bush released his new $2.4 trillion federal budget.
> It has two parts: smoke and mirrors." -- Jay Leno

"Bush admitted that his pre-war intelligence wasn't what it
should have been. We knew that when we elected him!" -- Jay Leno

"As you know President Bush gave his State of the Union
Address, interrupted 70 times by applause and 45 times by
really big words." -- Jay Leno

"President Bush said that American workers will need new skills
to get the new jobs in the 21st century. Some of the skills they're
going to need are Spanish, Chinese, and Korean, because that's where
the jobs went." -- Jay Leno

"President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And
from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what
this means. He's drinking again." -- David Letterman

"The new Prime Minister of Spain has called the war in Iraq a
disaster, and plans to bring his troops home as soon as possible. In
fact, President Bush is so upset at Spain that he is now
threatening to close down the border between Spain and the US." -- Jay Leno

"The U.S. Army confirmed that it gave a lucrative fighting contract
in Iraq to the firm once run by the Vice President Dick Cheney
without any competitive bidding. When asked if this could be conceived as
Cheney's friends profiting from the war, the spokesman said, 'Yes.' '--
Conan O'Brien

"Dick Cheney finally responded today to demands that he reveal
the details of the Enron meetings. This is what he said. 'He met
with unnamed people, from unspecified companies, for an
indeterminate amount of time, at an undisclosed location.' Thank God he
cleared that up." -- Jay Leno

"Plans are being discussed as to who will replace Dick Cheney if he
has to resign for health reasons. It's not easy for President Bush.

He can't just name a replacement. He would first have to be
confirmed by the oil, gas and power companies." -- Jay Leno

"President Bush spoke briefly to reporters before playing a
> round of golf in Crawford, Texas, earlier today. This raises the
question: Shouldn't the guy who is really running the country
and who has had like 20 heart attacks be taking the vacation?" -- Craig Kilborn

"The White House has now released military documents they say
prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard.
Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election."
Jay Leno<<