Dear Mr. bin Laden,

We are enclosing herewith the document you requested that, we hope, will prove satisfactory.

As you will note, our CIVIL LIBERTIES are now in your hands and we trust that the work of our intelligence services, as they continue gathering information about U.S. citizens, will be of help in your future endeavors.

The U.S. hereby acknowledges that this is a war YOU have won and is ready and willing to cave to your demands.

We realize you were deeply bothered by the freedoms we enjoyed and hereby certify that we are in the process of reversing course.

We would also like to inform you that we duly acknowldege your great POWER...oh, mighty Osama...and are please to inform you that we have followed your instructions and that Americans, presently, live in a state of constant fear.

With the most humble expressions of respect for your intellectual prowess and unlimited power...we are looking forward to your response.

Your next video should be mailed, as usual, to al Jazeera. They will kindly forward it to 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. where your [encrypted] instructions will be carefully studied and immediately attended to by Karl Rove who has explicit instructions as to how to proceed.

We realize that SECRECY is imperative to achieve our mutual goals given that we too have always viewed the civil liberties of the "unwashed masses" as a threat to our agenda.

From one Crusader to another....may Muhammed be with you, Osama.

We will continue to do our best to comply with your requests and transform our nation into one you can be proud of.

I am convinced that when our job is done, both our peoples will have been stripped of their civil liberties and have embraced theocratic values so dear to both of us.

Humbly yours,

George Shrub
The only U.S. president selected by five U.S. Supremes.